Sunday, August 7, 2011

Skinny Jeans Sabotage: Will This Make My Butt Look Fat?

I've worn Seven Skinny Jeans!!!
Ok had to look at the calendar on  my iPhone today when I walked into a store and saw rows and rows of,  get this - Halloween candy! We haven't even had that whacky Jerry Lewis hosting his annual Muscular Dystrophy Labor Day telethon yet, but now our favorite retailers  are filling the store shelves with what I call nothing but Skinny Jeans Sabotage (SJS) .
SJS is not just the fault of the big box stores. Oh no, it's bigger than that!
I grabbed a magnifying glass, put on my famous Greek girl detective hat, a new pair of sneakers and popped the Pink Panther CD into my car stereo and started investigating who is really behind SJS.
I found out that SJS is actually a full-blown conspiracy between the the candy companies and the retailers who pimp out the chocolate for them.  What do the pin head executives from the Mars candy company and the over paid executives from Target think would happen if they put 12 tons of Halloween candy on the shelves 3 1/2 months early? There is no way if you buy candy now you will have any left by Halloween. Even a hoarder would be out of candy within 3 1/2 months!
Well the Greek blonde girl is not a rocket scientist (but if you are a TV producer I will play one on TV if you want me too - have your people call my people)  Anyways, it doesn't take a detective or rocket scientist to know what will happen to all of that candy and where it will go once it leaves the store. It's going straight  to the rear ends and hips of women from Sante Fe to Syracuse - and thus causing many avoidable cases of Skinny Jeans Sabotage. Think about it, unless you are Mr. Bricks, who else thinks about buying twenty-two bags of miniature Snickers and Baby Ruth candy bars, unless it is to dump them into the pillow cases of little Trick-or-Treaters on October 31rst?
NOTE TO INNER SELF:  I can only pray to God that Mr. Bricks is never trying to squeeze his chunky monkey portly frame into a pair of skinny jeans.  I think I just vomited a little in the back of my throat thinking of that visual.  (Change the image in your noggin Ava, change the image in your noggin)
Do the powers-that-be-muckity-mucks who are in charge of marketing at the candy companies care about the problem of SJS? I think not. And you know what else this Greek girl thinks? I think it is all men who are doing this.  Now, I don't want to start bashing men in a Melissa Etheridge sort of way,  but seriously, no woman is going to tempt other women like that. Heck the women who work at the candy companies probably have their own issues with SJS, with all of the free candy that is most likely left around in the company break rooms.  I bet you don't see any females wearing skinny jeans on Casual Fridays at either the Hershey chocolate company or at the Mars company - just sayin'
So girls, you gotta be strong, just say no, and keep on walking past the candy they are tempting you with and head over to Zone bars or something more nutritious. Yummo.