Friday, December 31, 2010

You Are The Weakest Link

Remember this curt sharp-tongued lady named Anne Robinson, who was the host of the game show called “The Weakest Link”? Her catch phrase after anyone was eliminated was a very quick and unceremonious "You are the weakest link -  good-bye!"
I was thinking how great it would be in real life I was a super hero and I had the secret powers where I could get rid of someone who was not pulling their own weight by simply walking up to them and saying, "You are the weakest link - good-bye!" No further explanation would be needed.  Poof, they would be gone.
How tempting would that be? Hmmm, where would I start? Well today I would have used it on the waitress at the diner who served me a cold cup of coffee.
Me: Excuse me Miss
Diner Waitress: (irritated and smacking gum) What do you want?
Me: ( sweet as pie) Well it seems that you served me cold coffee. Can I get a fresh hot cup?
Diner Waitress: (shrugs shoulders) Whatever
Me: (annoyed at the whatever response Oh, and there's one more thing.
Diner Waitress: (rolling eyes) What now?
Me: You are the weakest link -  good-bye!
POOF she is outta there!
Maybe as the Super Hero I would travel to Washington DC and do a little house cleaning! Poof they are outta there. Oops did I just say that out loud?
This super ability could also really come in handy when all of the relatives are around. 
Me: Hey, how have you been? I haven't seen you since our last family get together.
Generic Relative:  Well I'm doing Ok. You know, just hanging in there.
Me: So....have you found a job yet?
Generic Relative: No, the job markets sucks right now.
Me: yah, but it's been like 11 years now since you've worked.
Generic Relative: No, it's only been 10 I think.
Me: No, I'm pretty sure it's 11. It was before the New Millennium. So where are you living these days?
Generic Relative: Oh, you know just couch surfing with friends.
Me: (shocked) oh!
Generic Relative: (in a whispered voice) Well between you and me, if Granny would just keel over I bet she's leaving a bundle of dough for each of us! Then I wouldn't ever have to worry about a job and I could score my own pad.
Me: You are the weakest link -  good bye!
POOF they are outta there!
Of course that was just a joke. I love all of my fun-loving loud Greek relatives and I would never have to employ my secret abilities on any of them. But I might need to use it on my manager Mr. Bricks.
Me: Good morning Mr. Bricks
Mr. Bricks: Hey Ava. What's going on?
Me: You tell me Bricks. Do I have a record deal yet?
Mr. Bricks: No I am working on it.
Me: You are the weakest link -  good-bye!
POOF he is outta there!
You can visit my website at

Thursday, December 30, 2010

That Snot Funny

No, there was no typo in the title of my blog today.  The subject is snot and isn't funny! I'm sick, I'm grumpy and I just want to go back to sleep.
I am now at home sick in bed, with all of the covers pulled up over my Greek little head, I'm sneezing and hacking a lung (or two)... thank goodness my doggies are all nestled in the bed around me because I most likely have caught the bird flu or a rare strain of the bubonic plague. My nose is so red from blowing my nose I look like Rudolph! I got this way after spending much of yesterday surrounded by snot nosed kids and adults who all sounded like they had a bad case of whooping-cough. When I say snot nosed kids I don't mean kids who were misbehaving, I literally mean kids with noses filled with snot and they were wheezing and sneezing like there was no tomorrow.
Part of the job description for me as a singer and actress means that sometimes I must make appearances where people want to get my autograph, shake my hand or stand real close and get their picture taken with me.... All of that is very flattering and humbling to me! It really is. Yesterday was just such a day that I had to be around people all day and most of them seemed to be coughing, blowing their nose or both.
I had one lady come up to my face and say, "I woke up this morning so sick with the flu, but I just had to come here, when I get  home I will probably collapse in my bed!" No, lady when I got home - I was the one ready to fall down and die!! Thanks for sharing your germs!
Ok people, when you are sick you need to stay home - just sayin'
I could go on and on, but I'd rather go back to sleep.

Blessings & hot tea,

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

When All Else Fails - I Go To A Movie

Next to writing and recording songs, working out, shopping for sneakers, eating chocolate, or drinking a fresh cup of coffee one of my next most guiltiest pleasures in life is going to the movies. Maybe it is the actor in me, but there is something magical about sitting in a darkened room with a ginormous screen to watch a story unfold in front of your eyes. Yeppers, the silver screen! It's all very 1940's Hollywood tinsel town to me.
I think most single movie theatre screens are about 30-foot by 70-foot, however the screens in multiplex theaters are usually much smaller and you don't get the same experience. For me, I must see movies in the single theatre with the full screens, it's just how I roll.  Even with all of the elaborate home theaters I have seen built-in other celebrities' homes, like on MTV Cribs,  you still can never duplicate the movie going experience of a real live movie theater. Sorry, Lil' Bow-Wow, Shaq and Diddy the movie rooms in your cribs  just don't pass the Blonde Greek Girl's definition of a  real movie theater - just sayin.'
Last night I snuck away from my day-to-day life to finally go see the "Little Fockers". Spoiler Alert: At the end.....No worries, I won't ruin it for you. I will just say I thought there were some really great funny moments in this movie. It certainly didn't disappoint me. I felt for a sequel, it held its own against the 2000 original, "Meet The Parents" and the 2004 previous sequel, "Meet The Fockers." It's an awesome trilogy.  I think Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro are comic gold... they are so funny together.
I tried to get my manager Mr. Bricks to just throw caution to the wind and go see a movie as well. But his response was a non-response. It was just sort of grunt. I've been thinking, Mr. Bricks certainly grunts a lot, just like my dogs. Maybe Bricks is part Pekingese? I dunno, what do you think?  I am pretty sure the last movie Mr. Bricks saw in a theatre was "True Grit" --the original, with John Wayne way back in 1969 -- that was light years before my time!! Maybe if Mr. Bricks got out more and enjoyed a few movies he would learn to speak without grunting as much. I'm sure having a manager that is not part Neanderthal would help me get a record deal a little bit sooner -- again, just sayin'.
If you can't find me, you can always check in the local movie theatre. Now you know a secret of mine....when all else fails, I go to a movie!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Back To The Salt Mines

Ok it is time for The Greek Blonde Girl to start cracking the whip again. Christmas is over and now it's time to get back to work. Oh, I know New Year's eve and New Year's day are still on the snowy horizon, but those aren't like real holidays. There is no need to spruce up the house, do any extra cooking or to go gift shopping for either day. So get back to work.
I have noticed that people start slacking off the week before Thanksgiving. It gets progressively worse the closer we get to Christmas. Then when Christmas comes, forget about trying to get anything done until after the New Year.
Well in my very last self-appointment of the year, I am appointing myself as the, Czar Of Work (COW). Although I wasn't officially designated by that guy in the White House, I know he loves Czars, so I am sure he won't mind one more.
My first official task as your COW is to remind you that if you don't come in on Saturday's, don't even think of coming in on Sundays. Yep, we are now going for the 7-Day work week. You want a vacation? EARN IT! None of this entitlement crap. Don't think that just because you showed up at your office cubicle monday through friday for 12 months you deserve time off. I'm Greek and I am smart, so I know most of your time at work is spent on the computer goofing off.
If I tracked the IP address of your work computer just how many hours a week would it show me you were on Craig's list looking for free crap or on Facebook sending me updates on how many bushels of carrots you just planted on Farmville? As a COW, I don't care how much you just sold a goat for, I just want you to get back to work!!
Also as your COW it is my duty to remind you that effective immediately, companies are no longer allowed to offer a preferred parking spot to their  "Employee of The Month." I have noticed a little weight gain during the month on those "special" selected employees - they don't have to walk as far to their car and so they started packing on the pounds.  A little weight gain = loss productivity in the work place.
If any company wants to recognize an employee for their special contribution they can do it by handing out pencils with the company logo on them or maybe giving them a throw blanket to use at their desk... because effective immediately I am ordering all companies to lower their thermostats by 10 degrees.  Hah, I just lessened our country's dependency on foreign oil and I haven't even finished the blog yet. Dang, I'm a smart COW.
I am not the Laughing COW, so any company who displays those cheesy motivational posters will be fined to the fullest extent of the law, even if they do have the written permission of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball - just sayin'
If you want to put up a poster it should be funny and useless like this one I put up in my manager Mr. Bricks' office.
Because I will be improving the bottom line for most companies by the extended work week, my nick name will become the Cash COW. 

My new work rules will also apply to all employees who work in a house of worship as well as a non-secular work place. And no, I'm not setting aside special rules for the employees in the Mosques. In fact, I want them to refer to me as the Holy COW. I think they already feel like the cow is sacred so this should be no big deal for them.
As a COW I love to eat but I don't want to stand in a field chewing my cud.  So, I want a redistribution of the company cafeteria food. Why should the employees of Google get lobster and Perrier when the employees of The Waffle House get a free waffle and a medium-sized Mt. Dew? I may be Greek and Blonde, but I'm also a fair COW.
Any birthday party, going away party or bris must be after hours and all employees attending must be off of the time clock. It should be a work place, not a frat house.
OK, now get back to the salt mines everyone.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Blog Year In Review

With a candy cane dangling from mouth I was trying to think what topic I wanted to write about in today's blog when I realized I should take you on a trip down memory blog lane and share with you a bit about how some of my more popular blogs happened.So without further ado, here are my personal favorite 5 blogs from 2010 and what inspired me to write them. You can click on the title of each respective blog to take you to it so you can read the full blog.                    Eggnog: The Rocky Effect

I received a lot of emails about this blog.  Possibly more than any of my other blogs. Most of the emails saying that it was very inspirational to them. That's not a huge surprise to me because as I say in the blog I love Rocky and it is a huge inspiration to me as well.
This blog was a once in a lifetime moment where I think I was actually peeing my pants as I was writing the blog. I have a voice for all of my dogs and they actually "call" my Mom from time to time. I had just hung up from Punkin calling my mom and I thought, well if Punkin can call my mom maybe she can hijack my blog as well. This was by far the most popular blog I wrote in 2010
The title just sums up this blog. Many nights when I prepare to write the blog I sit down and have absolutely no idea what I am going to write about. No shocker there, huh? I just always trust that God will inspire me. So this blog was just acknowledging the times in my life I feel God is looking down upon me.
Saturday Morning Cartoons
aka: "Ava Wants A Record Deal"
Doing the saturday morning cartoons started by accident.  I had stumbled upon the website where people were making videos and I thought it might be fun. I made a really short one and sent it to Mr. Bricks saying, "I want a Record Deal." He encouraged me to expand on that idea. Growing up I loved watching cartoons every saturday morning. Making the cartoon is fun for me because it's not really me, it's a cartoon character of me. The character is a total diva and I'm so not like that. Really, I'm not! Since I started doing these every saturday morning they have kinda caught on with my fans. I'm glad you enjoy them.
This will always be a very special blog posting for me because it was my very first one ever on September 30, 2010. One day I was talking with my manager Mr. Bricks about something and explaining how muckery sort of followed me in my life. He always laughed at my daily episodes and suggested that others might enjoy hearing about them as well. So Mr. Bricks suggested I start a blog called Ava Aston's Muckery... and the rest, as they say, is history.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sausage and Cheese

A typical gift exchange party. Not my real family.
What do you do with all of that scrunched up and torn wrapping paper from all of the Christmas gifts? Do you try to recycle it? I'm terrible because I admit - I just toss it away. Same with all of the ribbon and those pretty bows. I know a few people who carefully open their gifts so they can save the paper and bows and reuse them.
So what do you do with those gifts that you got that well, just aren't your cup of tea? I had a couple of gifts I got like that during a friendly white elephant gift exchange with my family.

No elephants were harmed during the writing of this blog
The concept of a white elephant gift exchange is simple. The premise is everyone brings a wrapped gift worth a certain agreed upon value (ours was a $50 limit) Then everyone draws a number. And starting with the person who drew #1, you pick your choice from all of the wrapped gifts. Once you selected a gift you unwrapped it and let everyone see what it is. If you look closely during the game, everyone else is eying your gift, just waiting to possibly snatch it from you when it is their turn. 
Then #2 picks either the gift they just saw get opened or they can select a new gift. And so on with each number. If it was a good item, people would just take it from you rather than risking their chances with the unknown of a wrapped gift. If you had a gift stolen you could then steal someone else's gift or choose one that has not been unwrapped yet.

I thought it was a good omen that I drew #1 and was able to pick the first gift. I'm Greek and everything we do is big, so naturally I picked the biggest present. But when I opened it up I found it was a big disappointment. Inside this big box was a 5-pound generic summer sausage and a hunk of cheese. Not even the good stuff from Hickory Farms! My gift quickly became the punch line for the entire day, as in, "Well, at least you didn't get sausage and cheese like Ava did." Thanks everyone.
There was a lot of strategy at work during the game. Some people who got really nice gifts tried to hide them so they wouldn't get stolen from them. Others used the "no eye contact" strategy. They would refuse to look at the person picking the gift in the eyes in hopes of not having their gift stolen from them.
So as the game goes, we were allowed to steal other people's gifts back and forth up to 3 times. Once a gift had been exchanged 3 times as the Aston family rules go, then you could not steal that particular gift anymore. Most items were in hot demand and exchanged hands the 3 times. Not so much for my sausage and cheese. Although whenever people were looking around as to what gift they were deciding to steal everyone was screaming "take Ava's sausage and cheese"take Ava's sausage and cheese." No one ever did.  They were just taunting the Greek girl.
I knew the game was all in fun and I that I was getting other gifts from family and friends, so it didn't ruin my Christmas. But I do have a couple of thoughts about the "sausage and cheese ensemble" that someone wrapped and tried to palm off at our white elephant gift exchange.
First off, there is no way they spent anywhere near $50 for that sausage and cheese. I'm guessing they spent less than $7.00 tops, if in fact they did even buy it! Most likely it was a gift they received from someone earlier this Christmas.

Secondly, who gives sausage and cheese as a gift? The family member who did this had to sit there silently for the rest of the day biting their tounge - listening to everyone say what a stupid gift it was. They had to endure their gift being the butt of every joke, whether it made sense or not! Just the mere mention of sausage and cheese had everyone cracking up.

So OK, I was stuck with (oops, I mean) I ended up with gifts I really don't want. So I will most likely also recycle them myself or as they called it on Seinfeld  re-gift them.
Hmmm, sounds like a perfect gift I can hang onto and give to my manager Mr. Bricks when I have a need to give him a gift of some sort. If he eats at McDonald's everyday I am sure he also would enjoy late night binges on sausage and cheese.
Oddly enough, no one took credit for bringing the sausage and cheese combo as their gift exchange items. There was a whole lot of muckery, finger-pointing and even some accusations made, but like every other Christmas in our household it just turned into another Family Feud. And I'm not talking about the game!
I hope your Christmas was Merry!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Ava Wants Lasagna

Merry Christmas! Welcome to the Yuletide episode of the Saturday Morning Cartoons.
Seasons Greetings,
Today is the last day to get the bonus buy on my CD's. Click on the  banner ad below to check it out.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Predictions for 2011

Oh no....really?
Wrapping a white bath  towel around my blonde hair to give myself the best swami appearance.... Here are the Greek girl's predictions for 2011.
  1. Lindsay Lohan will be arrested for possession of drugs
  2. Lindsay Lohan will avoid jail time by crying and asking for rehab
  3. Lindsay Lohan will get released from rehab and make a mockery of the court system
  4. See number #1
  5. The state of California will declare bankruptcy
  6. The state of California will be purchased from the US bankruptcy court by a Mexican drug cartel
  7. 3 random celebrities will die within a short period of time of each other
  8. I will get a record deal ( right Mr. Bricks?)
  9. CBS will change the meaning of their corporate name to (CBS) Complete Bull Shit
  10. NBC and ABC will follow suit with their name changes to (NBC)  Never Been Correct and (ABC) Always Bull Crap
  11. My blog will not win a Pulitzer Prize
  12. Sneakers will become all of the rage at NY's Fashion Week
  13. McDonald's will introduce the "Double McRib" - 2 fake processed pork patties in BBQ sauce with pickles and onions on a toasted bun. My manager Mr. Bricks will be their first customer
  14. I will get to 25,000 "likes" on my Facebook Fan Page
  15. My dog Punkin will hijack my blog again
  16. TSA will get a smack down after a pat down with the Hell's Angels
  17. John Walsh and America's Most Wanted will announce they found Osama Bin Laden. Amazingly, he was living in Washington DC and had a job with an eight figures a year salary in the Obama Administration as an advisor on Muslim tolerance in America
  18. General Mills will rescind their Don't Ask Don't Tell policy about their cereal mascots much to the liking of the Lucky Charms dude and the Trix rabbit
  19. The ESPN executive who approved a tv special about the paper, rock, scissors national championships will be promoted to Head of Programming at MTV
  20. With the success of Michael Jackson's latest CD, Madonna will have herself declared legally dead to help boost her lackluster sales
  21. The Biggest Loser TV show will be cancelled because Michelle Obama solved the nation's obesity problem by making the sales of Girl Scout thin mint cookies illegal
  22. The surprise reveal on Oprah's final show will be that she isn't retiring. Oprah will also shock her audience by announcing that she will pay off the home mortgages for everyone in the country
  23. A sex tape will be leaked starring Miley Cyrus. The title of the video will be "Hannah Banana Fe Fi Fo Montana"
  24. All 12,200 Burger King outlets in 73 countries will be permanently closed by the FDA because they serve beef and it offended one Muslim woman in Boise, Idaho. A similar claim against Wendy's will be dismissed when the FDA determines that Wendy's doesn't use real meat in their products
  25. My blogs throughout 2011 will continue to be filled with useless trivia, accounts of my day-to-day muckery, jabs at my manager Mr. Bricks and yes some typos from time to time. Would you want it any other way?
These are just my predictions -- I might not get them all right, but I feel really strong about most of them! Hopefully you enjoyed my light-hearted blog today and it was my sincerest desire that I made you smile on this Christmas Eve.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year
Two days left to get a great deal on my CD's. Click on the banner ad to check it out.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I Won The Lottery

Yesterday while I was at the mall I bought a $5.00 scratch-off lottery ticket. Guess what? I won! The Greek Blonde Girl just won the lottery my friends. Woot Woot. Alert the media. My manager Mr. Bricks said, "Ava move away from there" Said "Californy is the place you ought to be" So I'm gonna load up the truck and move to Beverly.  Hills, that is. Swimmin' pools, movie stars...
Well, yah, I did win the lottery but it was only $10. Not enough to even buy a turkey club sandwich at my favorite Greek diner, let alone buy a mansion in Beverly Hills.  But it did double my money. At least now I can add the words lottery winner right after blog writer to my list of accomplishments that also include actor, recording artist and song writer.
Have you ever fantasized of winning the Mega Millions or the Powerball? Both games are multi-state lotteries with huge jackpots. I have allowed myself to daydream the "what if" dream about winning the lottery. First off, I'd still do my music career. There is no amount of money that will ever get me to abandon the gifts and dreams God gave to me. Not happening folks. But if I did ever win big on a lottery, I would have such a great time helping those in need. It would be cool to help other musicians and actors who have not yet had their big break -- because I have walked a mile in their sneakers (or Crocs) I know what they are going through. I also would absolutely take care of my Mom and my family. They have totally been there for me.
Alright you have a couple of bucks (literally 2 one-dollar bills) in your wallet that your blue-haired grandmother slipped into your Christmas card. You think you want to try your luck on the lottery. So just how much could you win? Well according to the Powerball website here are the largest payouts for their game:
The largest Powerball jackpot of $365 million occurred on February 18, 2006 and was won by a single ticket in Nebraska. It was shared by eight persons who worked for a meatpacking plant. They elected to receive their winnings in cash, sharing $177,270,519.67 (before taxes). This is the largest prize awarded for a single ticket in an American lottery.
Jack Whittaker of West Virginia the claimant to the then biggest one-ticket jackpot, $315 million, won on Christmas, 2002. He elected the cash payout of $170,505,876 (before taxes).
On October 19, 2005, the West family of Jacksonville, Oregon won that evening's $340 million jackpot. However, the cash pool for their winnings was actually smaller than the $315 million jackpot from December 2002. Their cash share was "only" $164,410,058.03. The family won less than two months after the rules were changed to generate larger estimated annuity jackpots. Had the December 2002 jackpot been estimated under the current rules, it would have been $352.6 million.
On August 25, 2007, a jackpot worth $314 million was won by a retired auto worker from Ohio; that ticket was bought in Richmond, Indiana, a community that has sold two jackpot-winning tickets of at least $200 million each.
The other big multi-state lottery game, Mega Millions' largest prize won by a single ticket was for a drawing on November 15, 2005, a group called "The Lucky 7" held the single ticket, bought in Anaheim, California, winning them the $315 million jackpot. They chose the cash option, splitting $175 million before Federal tax. This remains the largest prize won by a single ticket in Mega Millions.
On March 6, 2007, the Mega Millions jackpot reached $390 million, which is the record for the largest jackpot total of any US lottery. The jackpot was divided by two tickets, which matched the all of the winning numbers and the Mega Ball number. Both winners elected to receive their prize in cash, with each share $116,557,083 before taxes.
Either one, or both of the Mega Millions or Powerball games are played in 43  states. The only states without either lotteries are Alabama, Alaska, Hawaii, Mississippi, Nevada, Utah, and Wyoming.
So which one should you put your Christmas money on? Currently, Mega Millions has better jackpot odds at (1:~176 million) than Powerball's odds which are listed at (1:~195 million.)
The next two drawings are:
Mega Millions Friday - Christmas Eve (12/24) estimated Jackpot amount $168,000,000
Powerball Saturday - Christmas Day (12/25) estimated jackpot amount $46,000,000
Good luck! Don't forget the Greek girl when you hit the jackpot!

PS: You don't have to win the lottery to buy my CD's. I have a Christmas Bonus Sale on now through Christmas Day.