Thursday, April 14, 2011

Why I Want to Marry the IRS

Why I want to Marry the IRS
April 15th came so quickly this year. It just seems like yesterday I was standing in line at the post office after spending a week sorting through a mountain of receipts for my 2009 taxes. As the 2010 tax deadline looms, look for the newscasters to be standing out in front of the local post office doing a live report for the 6 o'clock news. In their yearly news report about the tax filing deadline the news stations always have that stern warning: "It may look clam right now but as the tax deadline approaches expect long lines and delays at your local post office." Hello, talking heads, it's a deadline, not a natural disaster. And of course there is a line with delays - if there was a line that was moving without the delays then  it would be called a parade.

Some people get all funky about the IRS. I love them. If I was an available Greek girl, and if I could marry a Governmental Agency I would marry the IRS. Why not? Talk about marrying up! They sure have buckets more money in their bank account than in this Greek girl's bank account. I would imagine, that the IRS' parents, the Department of the Treasury, are good parents and would spare no expense on the wedding, reception and on the honeymoon...just as long as they could get the receipts. Hmmm, maybe it could even be a destination wedding in Greece. Wow, maybe they would even give me my own sneaker store as a wedding present.
Yes, I expect the IRS would want me to sign a prenuptial agreement, although they would not call it that. They would want to call it by a form name and number - and then whisper in my ear something romantic like,  "Ava I need you to sign a Form 1010EZ."  -- Chills just thinking about it!
eHarmony or couldn't make a better match than the Greek girl and the IRS. I am a list person and so is the IRS. I balance my check book every day, so do they. I don't like dishonesty or cheaters, neither do they. We are actually very compatible on many levels. I have read about the tax collector in the bible so I also know that we share the same religious faith. That's nice because I would insist on having a church wedding. Oh, and we both agree that we would get married on April's such a special day for the IRS.

Another really cool thing about marrying the IRS is they would be able to track down any friends or acquaintances that I have lost touch with over the years, but that I would want to invite to the wedding. How cool is that?
We do differ on one thing though, I like a little color and they are more traditional, liking everything to be just black and white. I would just have to keep telling myself, compromise Ava, compromise. Every good relationship is made up of compromises.
I know after the honeymoon it would not be a total bed of roses. I mean, just like any married couple we would still have to divide our time between the two families for birthdays and holidays. I don't mind, in fact I like most of IRS' family, even their weird uncle, the Department of Corrections. They call them DOC. Doc is the family's dirty little secret that they don't really talk about. At the last family gathering DOC showed up and they had to sit in the basement, at the kid's table. I hate it down there, it seems like a prison, but Doc didn't mind. Over the years I have also had disagreements with their relatives in Washington, DC., but it's all family and we all have to get along, right?
So sigh, I am just a simple Greek girl in love with a Governmental Agency. Did I ever mention that I fell out of a tree onto my noggin when I was a little greek girl?  Maybe the effects are now finally showing up.

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