Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Back To The Salt Mines

Ok it is time for The Greek Blonde Girl to start cracking the whip again. Christmas is over and now it's time to get back to work. Oh, I know New Year's eve and New Year's day are still on the snowy horizon, but those aren't like real holidays. There is no need to spruce up the house, do any extra cooking or to go gift shopping for either day. So get back to work.
I have noticed that people start slacking off the week before Thanksgiving. It gets progressively worse the closer we get to Christmas. Then when Christmas comes, forget about trying to get anything done until after the New Year.
Well in my very last self-appointment of the year, I am appointing myself as the, Czar Of Work (COW). Although I wasn't officially designated by that guy in the White House, I know he loves Czars, so I am sure he won't mind one more.
My first official task as your COW is to remind you that if you don't come in on Saturday's, don't even think of coming in on Sundays. Yep, we are now going for the 7-Day work week. You want a vacation? EARN IT! None of this entitlement crap. Don't think that just because you showed up at your office cubicle monday through friday for 12 months you deserve time off. I'm Greek and I am smart, so I know most of your time at work is spent on the computer goofing off.
If I tracked the IP address of your work computer just how many hours a week would it show me you were on Craig's list looking for free crap or on Facebook sending me updates on how many bushels of carrots you just planted on Farmville? As a COW, I don't care how much you just sold a goat for, I just want you to get back to work!!
Also as your COW it is my duty to remind you that effective immediately, companies are no longer allowed to offer a preferred parking spot to their  "Employee of The Month." I have noticed a little weight gain during the month on those "special" selected employees - they don't have to walk as far to their car and so they started packing on the pounds.  A little weight gain = loss productivity in the work place.
If any company wants to recognize an employee for their special contribution they can do it by handing out pencils with the company logo on them or maybe giving them a throw blanket to use at their desk... because effective immediately I am ordering all companies to lower their thermostats by 10 degrees.  Hah, I just lessened our country's dependency on foreign oil and I haven't even finished the blog yet. Dang, I'm a smart COW.
I am not the Laughing COW, so any company who displays those cheesy motivational posters will be fined to the fullest extent of the law, even if they do have the written permission of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball - just sayin'
If you want to put up a poster it should be funny and useless like this one I put up in my manager Mr. Bricks' office.
Because I will be improving the bottom line for most companies by the extended work week, my nick name will become the Cash COW. 

My new work rules will also apply to all employees who work in a house of worship as well as a non-secular work place. And no, I'm not setting aside special rules for the employees in the Mosques. In fact, I want them to refer to me as the Holy COW. I think they already feel like the cow is sacred so this should be no big deal for them.
As a COW I love to eat but I don't want to stand in a field chewing my cud.  So, I want a redistribution of the company cafeteria food. Why should the employees of Google get lobster and Perrier when the employees of The Waffle House get a free waffle and a medium-sized Mt. Dew? I may be Greek and Blonde, but I'm also a fair COW.
Any birthday party, going away party or bris must be after hours and all employees attending must be off of the time clock. It should be a work place, not a frat house.
OK, now get back to the salt mines everyone.

No comments:

Post a Comment