Today is International Pancake Day and Charlie Sheen needs a good Greek slap down. So as I partake in a morning pancake breakfast to celebrate this international holiday allow me to also have an imaginary conversation with Hollywood's newest bad guy Charlie Sheen.
Ava Aston (AA): Hey Mr. Sheen, thanks for meeting me for breakfast.
Charlie Sheen (CS): (googling the Greek Girl) Hubba Hubba, my publicist never told me that there would be other things just as hot as the hot cakes on the menu.
AA: (blushing) Well geez thank you Mr. Sheen.
CS: (still googling the Greek Girl) Mr. Sheen? Mr. Sheen is my dad. You can just call me Charlie...um, you will call me won't you? I like girls. I mean I really, really like girls. You can look it up on Wikipedia. It will tell you I love girls.
AA: (feeling uncomfortable) Well, yah, they kinda mentioned that about you on TMZ, but sorry Chuckie, I'm kinda taken.
CS: (still googling the Greek Girl) Bring 'em along...I've been known to like the extra company wink, wink.
AA: Yah, right (changing subjects) Mr. Sheen, umm, Charlie...what's up with all of the heavy drug use?
CS: (still googling the Greek Girl) The last time I took drugs? I probably took more than anybody could survive. I was banging 7 gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear. (motions to waitress to bring more coffee, also now google eyeing the waitress)
AA: (disturbed) That's not good. You sure seem kinda hopped up right now. I mean, are you ok?
CS: (still googling the Greek Girl) I'm not normal and Ava that's one thing they've never gotten their noggin around ... If people want me to succeed they should find the most comfortable chair in their frickin' house and sit in it and just, you know, lean back, open a beer and watch the show because it's about to get really gnarly.
AA: I really don't know what you just said Charlie. But, so it is true that you want a big fat raise to go back to your TV show? You were already making Oprah Winfrey money at a reported $2 million bucks an episode. (giggles) I saw that on Inside Edition. So what will it really take if CBS comes crawling back to you for more episodes of "Two and Half Men?"
CS: (drastic mood change, eyes glossing over) At this point because of psychological distress, it's $3 million an episode. - CBS can take it or leave it.
AA: Wow, holy crap Charlie that's a lot of money. I wonder if my manager Mr. Bricks could get me that type of money for my record deal?? So do you know Mr. Bricks? Can you pass the syrup please?
CS: (Handing the syrup bottle to Ava) He's a clown. I would fire him. That contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated that earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.
AA: Wow those are kind of harsh words Charlie. Although you are right, he was a clown. But the poor guy has one lazy eye and now you want to totally go Simon Cowell on him. (changing subjects) So what are you going to do about your job then?
CC: I've urged all my beautiful and loyal fans like you Ava who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong. (Once again googling the Greek Girl) Ava, did I tell you how totally freakin hot your clavicles are?
AA: Thanks for the mention of my nice clavicles Charlie, and about being a loyal fan. Geez, I really don't know how to say this but, I've never seen a single episode of your show. I'd rather watch Hoarders. Hey, I'm kinda thinking maybe meeting you for pancakes was a big fat Greek mistake. I think maybe you should check out a rehab clinic instead of an IHOP. What do you think?
CS: Well, if you think you want to stick me in a bootleg cult with a 5 percent success rate, compared to my own "100 percent" success rate of getting clean by eating pancakes and drinking black coffee you are wrong Greek girl. I know one of those rehab group's motto is, "'Don't be special. Be one of us." News flash: I am special and I will never be one of them. Good bye Ava. Oh, and before you forget you were going to give me your phone number.
AA: Good bye Charlie and no I wasn't.
CS: Fine then, let me at least pay for the pancakes. (reaching for wallet)
AA: Don't bother. They were free today because it is International Pancake day. Besides, you are now unemployed. Good Bye Charlie.
CS: Good Bye Ava.